Diaries of a broken heart #4

And for a tiny suspended moment, life feels ok. A friend makes a joke and I laugh. A true, authentic laugh. A good song comes on while I'm cooking and I'm dancing in the kitchen again.

Some moments are good. The pain in my chest is weaker and I can breathe.

Like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, reminding you that just because the sun is hidden doesn't mean it's gone. I can finally see that the pain won't last forever. That happiness is right there, close by, ready to be mine again once it's time.

But first, we grieve, we cry, we feel it all and we let it all go. 

Glimmers

 Friday, April, 4th, 2025

They say the opposite of triggers are glimmers. Those little moments where you find peace, where you notice the beauty of the world and of your life. Those glimmers are my saving boat. A stranger's smile. The way the light hits the water and makes it look so beautiful. The sky being painted in pastel colours at sunrise. The bus driver seeing me run and waiting for me. A comforting song playing just at the right moment. The sun hitting a glass surface just right and creating a rainbow on the ground. 

I notice those moments and for a second everything is well. For a second there is no sadness, no anger, no confusion. Just peace, at least a glimpse of it. For a second all is well. And maybe one day it will.

Diaries of a broken heart #3

 Thursday, April, 3rd, 2025

And after the pain, the sadness, the heaviness, finally comes the anger that I welcome with open arms. Anger that fills me with fire, with energy, that I can use to move on, to move with purpose, to move. Sadness feels like being stuck, while anger fuels me and pushes me to move.

Isn't it funny how fast it goes? What isn't funny though, is the back and forth. One minute I'm heartbroken, sad, on the ground crying and the next I'm hopeful, I can dry my tears and stand up on my own. And then, like a roller-coaster, I'm down on my knees again begging for a sign.

This is the worst heartbreak ever. The kind where you slowly realize the person you love might not be the person you need them to be, they might no be the One.

How do you say goodbye to someone you deeply love and care for? How do you adjust to their absence, to the massive hole they leave in your life?

Diaries of a broken heart #2

 Tuesday, April, 1st, 2025

I didn't realize my heart was going to break multiple times. That every time I would remember the reality, it would break more. That every time that new reality would sink in, it would break again. That it's a constant breaking and suffocating. That my throat would close up everytime I had to say it out loud. "it's over". That my eyes would fill with tears and blurry vision was going to become the new normal. That the pain in my chest was going to be the new normal. That this pain was going to be my companion for so long. Maybe that's the secret in going better, making this pain my friend? Using it as an armor, a crutch. And then maybe one day I won't need it anymore. And I'll be able to let her go. Just like I will be able to let you go.

 One day, maybe.